Things a Vampire Can’t Do
by JasperSAYSrelax128
Summary: A series of VERY FUNNY one-shots of things our favorite vampires can't do. Set in Eclipse. Brought to you by JasperSAYSrelax128 writer of "Oops, he did it again!"
1. Hot Sauce

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: *Pulls out cell phone and does voice command***

**Cell phone: Say a command.**

**Me: Call 'Mom home'.**

**Cell phone: Repeat the command.**

**Me: Call 'Mom home'.**

**Cell phone: Did you say 'Call Rachelle home'?**

**Me: NO!**

**Cell phone: Say a command.**

**Me: CALL MOM HOME!!!!**

**Cell phone: I'm sorry, there is no match.**

**Me: DAMN BITCH YES THERE IS A MATCH!!!**

**Motto: I don't own Twilight, or the cell phone companies. If I did, cell phones would be smarter.**

A series of one-shots about things our favorite vampires can't do. Set in Eclipse.

Chapter 1: Hot Sauce

"ARRRGHHHH!!!" I heard Emmett yell from the kitchen of the Cullen house. I was sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. I leaned against the doorway as I watched Emmett.

He had a bottle of hot sauce in his hands that he was trying to open. I watched as he twisted the top this way and that, but it wouldn't budge. He set the bottle down on the counter on its side, and tried to hit the top off. It wouldn't budge.

He picked it up again and hit it against the counter. It wouldn't budge. He put a towel on the lid and twisted it. It wouldn't budge. "AGHHHH!" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Emmett, what are you doing with hot sauce, if you don't eat?" I asked him.

"I was going to put it in Mike's food, but it won't OPEN!!! I've tried EVERYTHING! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!"

I walked over and picked up the hot sauce, and pressed down and twisted the cap, and it popped off. I handed it back to Emmett and walked out of the kitchen.

"I loosened it." He called.

**A/N: so, first chapter. I thought of this when I was trying to open apple juice, and I couldn't open it, so my dad did it. And, being the AMAZINGLY—funny—person that I am, took the credit. Yea, whatever. Anyways….**

**REVIEW!!**


	2. Self Tanner

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Q?  
Edward: NOPE! *marks paper*  
Twin: U?  
Edward: NOPE! *marks paper*  
Twin: T?  
Edward: NOPE! *marks paper*  
Me: OHH! I WANT TO MAKE A GUESS!!  
Edward: but you haven't even figured out any of the letters yet!  
Me: is it "Jacob is a fag?"  
Edward: how did you KNOW?! :O**

**Motto: I don't own Twilight. Not sure how this proves it, but it does prove not to play Hang Man with me. JK about Jacob. I just like to make fun of him. And Mike. Heh heh…**

Chapter 2: Self Tanner

It was a semi-sunny day today in Forks, and I drove over to my favorite vampires' house. I drove up the drive and parked my old truck in front of the house. I walked to the door, but stopped in my tracks, and took a few steps backwards.

Rosalie was laid out on a lawn chair on the front lawn. She wore a bathing suit and sunglasses…….and she was holding a flashlight above her, shining it on her body, causing her skin to glitter and throw rainbows.

"Uhhh.......Rosalie? What are you doing?" I asked her.

"Getting a tan."

Then the flashlight went out. She groaned as she hit it with her hand and it flickered and went back on. She held it above her again, and then it went out. She hit it again, and it flickered, but didn't go on. She hit it again, and it turned back on. She held it above her again.

And then it went out.

She hit it again and the flashlight crumbled into a million pieces.

"Rose, vampires can't get a tan." I said, and realization struck her face and she stomped back into the house.

"I knew that."

**REVIEW! PLease?**


	3. Cutting

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Tell me what you want, what cha' really really want!  
Twin: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!  
Me: I want Edward!  
Twin: yea!  
Edward: O.O  
Me: yummmm :)  
Edward: too bad. You don't own Twilight or me. Or that gay song. HA!  
Me: pwease? :(  
Edward: fine……you own this fanfic.  
Me and Twin: yayayayaya!**

Chapter 3: Cutting

I sat on the couch in the Cullens living room, reading Romeo and Juliet. Edward was hunting. As I read the book it made me think of when Edward left me that one time. The agony I had felt, the emptiness I had felt. It was like I was there, but my soul was gone. Let me just tell you: Worst. Feeling. Ever.

A tear slid down my cheek as I remembered. I set the book down on the couch and got up to go get a soda from the refrigerator. I walked into the kitchen, and was shocked as I looked at Jasper.

He sat on a stool at the counter, sobbing his heart out. He had a steak knife in his hand and was trying to cut his wrist…..but nothing was happening. He sliced over and over and over, but no cut was made and no blood came out. He yelled in agitation as he tried to cut himself again.

"Jasper.....are you ok?"  
"NO! I JUST FEEL SO SAD ALL OF A SUDDEN! MY LIFE IS SHIT! NO ONE LOVES ME! THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING FOR!!" he bellowed, trying to cut himself again. Alice appeared next to me, frowning at what he had just said.

"Jasper.........vampires can't cut themselves." Realization crossed his face and he stopped sobbing. He got up and stomped out of the room.

"JEEZ, BELLA! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM! Telling me to cut myself......."

**REVIEW!!**


	4. Things you can and CAN’T buy

**Disclaimer: Sorry, not a funny one here. I don't own Twilight or the characters, just this story……ies**

Chapter 4: Things you can and CAN'T buy

I was being dragged through every store of the mall by Alice. She bought me clothes and made me try stuff on. We have been in every designer shop. My feet were about to fall off. I was starving. And I was feeling dizzy. But she insisted we MUST go into ONE more store…..

She looked around the store, and then she stopped what she was doing and dropped her things. A smile spread across her face.

"I wonder how much this mall costs....." She mumbled.

"Alice.....NO! NO NO NO _**NO!!**_" I said, waving my hands in front of me.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Alice, YOU CAN'T BUY THE MALL!" I shrieked. People turned to stare at her with incredulous looks.

"Bella, I was only inquiring as to the price of it....." She said, avoiding the matter at hands.

"YOU. CAN'T. BUY. THE. MALL!" She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out of the store and down the walkway to another store. I looked at the sign as we walked in.

_Costumer Service_

I groaned as she walked up to the man at the desk and flashed him a dazzling smile. "Hello, sir. I was just wondering how much this mall costs?" she asked sweetly. He looked at her incredulously.

"It's not for sale." He said. Alice's face turned into a frown.

"Surely there must be SOME price on it....." She said, getting out her wallet.

"I'm sorry, Mam, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." He said.

"Come on. Name ANY price!!" she begged, falling to the ground at his feet.

"SECURITY!!" he yelled, and two security guards came in and grabbed Alice. Of course, she had to let them pull her away. Although she was begging the whole way until they threw us out of the mall.

"Alice, you can't buy the mall." I told her again.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!?!!!"

**REVIEW! They make me want to make more…..**


	5. Cup of Noodles

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight so STOP ASKING!!!**

Chapter 5: Cup of Noodles

"Bella, are you hungry?" Esme asked me from in the kitchen. I was once again sitting on the couch in the Cullens living room while Edward was hunting. "I can make you something?" she said, peeking her head into the living room.

"Yes, thank you." I said, and her head disappeared. I heard noise in the kitchen, and then a microwave. After a minute, I heard Esme running around. I walked into the kitchen. "Esme, what's—"

I stopped talking when I saw the microwave lit on fire. That's right—fire. Esme was frantically running around, trying to put it out, but trying to stay as far away from it as possible.

I quickly ran over to the pantry and grabbed the fire extinguisher. I opened it and sprayed the white foamy stuff all over the burning microwave. The fire went out, but now how do I turn off the extinguisher? I held onto the extinguisher and tried to turn it off, but it wouldn't go. The hose part flew out of my hand, covering me with white foam. I squeaked, and Esme ran over to try and help me. But instead of helping me, she ended up getting covered with foam. The white foam sprayed all over the kitchen, and I slipped and fell to the floor. Esme tried to catch me, but ended up slipping herself, and we both fell to the floor while the extinguisher sprayed more foam on us. Finally, it stopped. And at that same time it stopped, the one person I didn't want to see me like this, walked in.

Edward stared down at me and Esme with the largest grin on his face, until he roared with laughter. I frowned at him and crossed my arms, causing him to laugh harder. I tried to get up, but ended up slipping again. This time, Edward caught me, but we both ended up slipping and falling on the floor. Now he was covered in foam, and it was my turn to laugh. He looked ridiculous.

We managed to get up, and I walked over to the burnt, foam-covered microwave. I opened it and looked inside.

"Esme, next time you make Cup of Noodles........be sure to take off the metal lid."

**A/N: ok, so you know those Soups you heat up in the microwave? Well once I was making this Asian one and it had a metal lid and I forgot and I ended up lighting the microwave on fir. This same thing happened to me and my sister lol except she was Bella and I was Esme. REVIEW!**


	6. Potting a Plant

**Disclaimer:**

**Twin: It was clearly fat.  
Me: Dude. Fat doesn't even begin to cover it. More like…….floppy. Kinda like a pancake.  
Edward: What are you talking about?!  
Twin: a rabbit we saw. It was SO—  
Me: Floppy—  
Twin: it was unbelievable.  
Edward: riiiiighht…..  
Me: His name was Jacob.  
Edward: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**Motto: don't mistake Jacob-wolf for a giant fat bunny. And(fine!) I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter 6: Potting a Plant

I parked my old rusty truck in front of the Cullen house, and walked across the lawn to the front door. Half way across the lawn, I took another step, but there was no ground under my foot, so I fell.

I shrieked as I fell into a large hole in the ground. "OWWWW." I moaned as I face planted into the dirt. I heard laughing and I looked up to see Emmett leaning over the side, laughing his ass off. The hole was about 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide. "EMMETT!" I yelled at him.

"What? It's not MY fault you weren't watching where you were walking......" He said innocently.

"Why is there a giant hole in the ground?" I asked as he jumped into the hole. He picked me up and jumped out of the hole.

"I'm potting a plant." He simply said.

"Well, that must be some big—" I was cut off as he held up the smallest plant I'd ever seen. It was in a pot about 5 inches across in diameter. The plant itself was about a foot high.

"Emmett......"

"I know, I know......it's perfect."

"No. The hole is too big." I said.

"Uh, NO IT'S NOT! Watch!" he said, and then dug out the plant and dirt from the pot and tossed it into the hole. He started putting all of the dirt back in the hole. In about a minute he was finished and the ground was smooth.

"See? Perfect!"

"Emmett........the plant is supposed to be ABOVE the dirt." Realization crossed his face. He walked towards the house while calling over his shoulder.

"I TOLD you there was something wrong with the hole! God, Bella. I thought you were supposed to be smart or something......"

**REVIEW, SKILLETS!**


	7. Box Man

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Man, being a Junior in High School sucks.  
Twin: YEA!  
Me: You grow old….and stuff…  
Twin: YEA!  
Me: And then you graduate, and go out into the scary world…..  
Twin: YEA!  
Me: I wish I was 17 forever, like Edward…..  
Twin: YEA!  
Me: Too bad we don't own Twilight….  
Twin: YEA!  
Me: *Snicker* Twin sucks…..and is giving me rights to her Hello Kitty purse collection.  
Twin: YEA!—wait, NO!**

Chapter 7: Box Man

I arrived at the Cullen house, and was on my way to Edward's room to meet him, when I walked in the living room and almost laughed. Instead, I leaned against the doorway and watched as Jasper tried to put together a box.

He stared at the flattened box in his hands. The box had arrows and words on it. He looked at the four flaps on each end in confusion as how to get them all together. He took two flaps that were across from each other and tried to put them together, with no use. He tried to just fold all of the flaps down, but it didn't work. He flipped the box over and over in his hands, trying to figure out how to put it together.

"Hey Jasper, need help?" I said with a smirk, deciding to cut in and end his suffering. His head snapped up to look at me.

"No." he said stubbornly, with his lower lip protruding a bit.

"Really? Then why don't you show me how to put it together?" I asked with my eyebrows raised. He stood staring at it quietly. I walked over to the box and tucked every other flap under each other, creating a box. I handed it to him as I started up the stairs.

"HEY! WHO SAID I WANTED TO MAKE A BOX! I liked it perfectly fine when it was flat!"

**REVIEW AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE A MAGICAL FLYING UNICORN!**


	8. The Lion vs The Cat

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Sorry don't have time to write something funny for Disclaimer.**

**A/N: So, have you ever been locked outside your house before? Well, guess what I'm doing! SITTING OUTSIDE MY MOTHER F****** HOUSE FOR THREE FUCKING HOURS IN THE MOTHER F****** HEAT ! At least I happen to have my laptop….where is my dad?!**

**FUCK!**

**P.S. this chappie will be a bit longer.**

Chapter 8: The Lion vs. The Cat

I parked my truck outside the Cullen house and headed towards the door, when I heard a noise.

_Meow_

I looked around, bewildered.

_Meow_

I felt something rub up against my leg. I looked down.

_Meow_

It was possibly the second cutest thing I'd ever seen……..Edward being the first. A fluffy white Persian cat was entangling itself around my legs, purring. What was he doing all the way out here?! I picked him up and brought him inside the house. **(A/N: yes, it's a boy.)**

I walked into the house and everyone in the living room turned to stare at me. Emmett and Jasper were playing videos games, sitting on the couch. They turned and stared at me, open-mouthed with the cat. Jasper was in such shock—probably feeling everyone else's—that he dropped his controller. Rosalie sat on a single arm chair reading a magazine. Her face lit up into a huge smile after she got over the shock of seeing the cat. Esme was staring at it with curiosity. Alice was standing in front of me, her eyes glazed over, having a vision. She came out of it laughing hysterically.

Edward appeared at the top of the stares. "Alice—what was that?!" he asked, but then froze when he saw the cat in my arms.

"Bella—where did you get that?!?!" Edward asked, nervously.

"He was running around outside! He was SO cute, and I thought he shouldn't be left alone out here in the woods….." I trailed off at the look on Edward's face. He looked at the cat with a disgusted expression.

"Come on. You can't possibly tell me you don't like cats…." I said. Emmett erupted into laughter, and then was joined by Jasper and Alice. Rosalie got off her chair and walked over to the cat.

"Hi! You are SO cuuuuute!" she said in a baby-voice to the cat. Rosalie took the cat out of my hands and it licked her hand.

"What's his name, Bella?" she asked me.

"Well—"

"We can't keep that THING!" Edward said. I ignored him and faced Rosalie again.

"Edward Jr.!" I said with a smug smile. Emmett and Jasper roared with laughter, and I swear you could hear Edward's jaw hit the ground. He walked down the stairs and stood next to me.

"You can' be serious."

"Oh, I'm very serious."

"Oh, come on, Edward! He's a sweetie!" Rosalie said, throwing the cat into his arms. He gasped and dropped the cat, causing everyone to laugh. We all settled onto the couch, and Edward Jr. was getting along well with everyone…..except Edward. But, that was an understatement. The cat and Edward simply didn't like each other.

The cat settled into my lap from where I was sitting on the end of the couch, next to Emmett. Edward was in a single chair on the left side of me. The cat started purring in content from its place on my lap, while Edward glared at it in disgust.

"I can purr _way_ better than that." I heard Edward murmur. Rosalie scoffed. The cat purred louder and stared at Edward.

The strangest thing happened next. Edward—_purred_. He purred louder and more elegantly than the cat. I was in complete shock. And it was possibly the hottest thing I had ever heard.

"Edward—did you just _purr?!" _I managed to ask through my shock. Everyone in the living room was laughing hysterically. He smiled my crooked smile.

The cat stared at Edward with a taunting look and let out a long purr. "Awwwww!" Aice, Rosalie, and I all said. Edward returned to glaring at the cat. Edward purred louder than the cat, outdoing both his previous purr and the cat's. I once again stared at him in shock.

"That was probably the hottest thing I've ever heard." I mumbled under my breath, but forgot every single person in the room could hear me. Every. Single. Person. In the room roared with laughter, and I blushed about 50 shades of red. I peeked up at Edward who had a smug smile on his face. I groaned and hid my face in the side of the couch. "Stupid, super-awesome vampire hearing." I mumbled, causing everyone to laugh harder. I swear, I have NEVER heard Emmett laugh this hard.

The cat snuggled deeper into my lap, and rubbed his head against my leg, letting out a long, adorable purr.

Now everyone in the room yealled "Awwwww!" except Edward. I laughed at his frowning expression.

"Edward, vampires can't beat a cat in a purring contest."

**_PLEASE READ:_**

**A/N: So Bella finds the cat's owner and give the cat back. LOLOLOL ok so last chapter I wrote that you get a _flying magical unicorn_ if you review. Well I drew one for my friend, she told me how she wanted it drawn. So I decided that the BEST review, the funniest most random review gets a drawn unicorn of their preference similar to this one: (DRAWN PICTURE ON PROFILE AT THE TOP!)**

Awesome! I want my flying unicorn. I want it to wear a cowboy hat. and the unicorn to be orange. I want the unicorn to have alice hair under the hat. His hair color will be black with red stripes. Yes it is a boy. Alos make him have side bangs and one of his ears pearsed. and a noise peircng. He should also be able to speak chinese along with cat. No english!

-OcToBeRfReAk


	9. TOUCH IT!

**Disclaimer:**

***Me and my best friend are walking through mall, random gangster dude and his short friend walks up to us and talks to my friend***

**Gangster dude: Hey, what's your name?  
Best Friend: *Looks at me with a look saying 'WTF?'* Umm….Marina…  
Gangster dude: Oh, really? That's cool.  
Gangster dude's friend: my friend thinks you're hot.  
Marina: oh….kay…..*whispers 'WTF?!' To me*  
Gangster dude: how old are you?  
Marina: 16  
Gangster dude: oh shit. *literally runs away*  
Me: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! BAHAHAHA!**

**Motto: Seriously. Don't talk to strangers. And I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter 9: TOUCH IT!

"UGHHHHHH!!!" I heard, waking me. I was sleeping on the couch in the Cullen House. There was more groaning and cussing. "MOTHER FUCKING—!!"

I sighed and got up. I can't believe I expected to get any sleep in a house full of vampires…. I sat up and saw Emmett sitting in a chair, shaking and taping an iPod Touch. "STUPID THING!!" he yelled. He poked his finger at the screen. I got up and stood behind him to see what he was doing. The iPod was on, but it was on the hold screen where you had to slide the bar over to continue what you were doing. Emmett kept tapping at the thing, and sliding his finger over it, trying to move the bar. But nothing happened.

"STUPID PIECE OF—"

"EMMETT!" I yelled at him.

"I'VE BEEN TYRING THIS FOR 3 HOURS!!" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. I took the iPod from his outstretched hand and slid my finger over the bar, and it went to the main menu. I handed it back to Emmett with a look of triumph.

"Emmett, vampires can't use touch screens because they have no body heat." I said, going to lay back down on the couch.

"SHIT, BELLA! WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO GET AN iPOD TOUCH THEN?!?!"

**REVIEW!**


	10. Playing Fetch

Me: the eyes are the windows to your soul.  
Twin: What if someone has no soul? Then what do you see?  
Me: then you see eyeballs.

Motto: my inspiration talks are the best, and I don't own Twilight.

Chapter 10: Playing Fetch

There was a knock on the door. I set my Wuthering Heights book down and opened the front door, utterly confused, since Edward was hunting. There stood our neighbor, Mrs. Daze. I stared at her confused. Then I heard a bark. I looked around, but couldn't find where it came from. It barked again, I looked down at her feet to see a short little corgi on a leash.

"Uhh, hi, Mrs. Daze." I said. I bent down to pet the adorable dog. "Hi! What's your name?" I said in a baby voice to the dog.

"Bella, could you do me a favor? Sparky needs to go for a walk and get some exercise....I've got some people coming over, and they are allergic to dogs...." she said, smiling sheepishly.

"Sure, no problem!" I said, taking Sparky's leash.

"Oh, thank you so much, Bella!" she said happily as she left. I took Sparky down the street and to the park. I found a tennis ball in the grass as we entered the park. I let Sparky off the leash and threw the ball, which, I might add, didn't go very far. Sparky ran and got it and brought it back.

I took the ball from his mouth, and pulled my arm back, about to throw it, when I was startled.

"HEY BELLA!!" someone shouted in my ear, causing me to jump and drop the ball. Emmett's booming laughter could be heard from all over the park.

"Emmett! Don't scare me like that!" I said, picking up the ball. Sparky stood off to the side, staring fearfully at Emmett with his ears down.

"HEY! I WANNA TRY!!" Emmett yelled, reaching for the ball.

"I don't know...." I said, glancing from Emmett to Sparky, back and forth.

"PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, BELLA!!" Emmett gave me does eyes. I sighed.

"Fine."

I handed him the ball, and he looked at it and grinned. Uh oh. This could not be good. Sparky ran over to Emmett and his ears shot up, and he jumped up and down for the ball. Emmett pulled his arm back, and threw.

The ball flew 5 miles.

I stared in shock, with my mouth open and eyes wide as the ball flew as high as an airplane, and disappeared into the horizon. Sparky stared at the sky looking for the ball, waiting for it to fall.

"EMMETT!" I yelled.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You're not supposed to throw it that far!"

"Can't he go get it?"

"HE'S NOT A WEREWOLF!!"

"Oh."

"Vampires can't play fetch." I muttered as I put the leash back on Sparky, who was still looking for the ball.

"Shit, Bella, then why did you tell me to throw it for him!?!"

**A/N: hehe. My dogs inspired me. **

**P.S. if anyone has any ideas for Edward….I'm having trouble finding something for him, since he's like, perfect.**


	11. The Hammock

**Disclaimer:**

**Biology Teacher: Okay, so we have a grizzly bear, a black bear, a panda, a fox, a squirrel, and a snake related in that order. So the snake gets kicked out. What happened to the snake?  
Me: the squirrel ate it.  
Twin: Squirrels eat snakes?  
*whole class silently watches our sonversation*  
Me: *shrugs* you never know. Those things are rabid.  
Twin: But wouldn't the snake eat it?  
Me: *shrugs* maybe it was a ninja....or a vampire!  
Twin: .......**

**.....**

**........we were talking about the animal family, not the food chain.  
Me: *sucks in deep breath, about to say something, but then sighs* oh.**

Motto: I don't own Twilight, and if I did, every conversation would end up leading back to Twilight in some shape or form….oh, wait. It already does. OK I JUST DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT! Ha!

Chapter 11: The Hammock

"Edward, what's that?" I asked, pointing to the two poles on the lawn that had netting stretched between them.

"That, my love, Is a hammock. Emmett's hammock." He said, frowning. I smiled as I ran across the lawn and to the shade of the trees, getting on the hammock. I laid on my back with my hands behind my head as the hammock swayed from side to side, settling down. Edward was over to me in a flash, standing, staring at the hammock with a blank expression on his face.

"Come on." I said, motioning for him to join me with my hand. He stood there still staring at the hammock. "What's wrong?" I asked, instantly worried as to why he would not join me. He was silent for a few moments until he finally said,

"I don't know how to get on."

A huge grin spread across my face and I erupted into laughter. The infamous Edward Cullen, Mr. Edward-freaking-perfect-Cullen, didn't know how to get on a hammock. He scowled as I laughed for a good five minutes. He turned around, trying to sit on the side, when the hammock flew out beneath him and he fell to the ground. I laughed harder. He got up again.

He held it with his hand as he tried to do it again, but with success as the hammock swayed and he slid off the side onto the ground. He growled as he got back up attempted to jump on the hammock, but it bounced and sent him flying backwards, onto the ground again. I was laughing so hard, my sides hurt and I couldn't breath. Literally. He stood there staring at me, waiting for me to calm down.

After 10 minutes I finally calmed down. "Okay, I'll help. Put your left knee on the side of the hammock, and swing oyur body on." I let a small chuckle slip out. He put his knee on the side, and thrust his weight onto the hammock. But he used so much force the entire hammock flipped over, sending us both falling to the ground. He landed ontop of me, and I was laughing hysterically again.

"That wasn't very nice, Bella." He said, his cold lips brushing against mine. He immediately broke me out of my laughing and I shuddered as he ran his lips over mine, and brought his lips down my neck, and I could feel him smiling as he pressed his lips to the base of my neck. He laughed as he got off the ground and helped me up.

"Tease." I mumbled, and he grinned. "But the infamous Edward Cullen still can't get into a hammock." I grinned as he scowled at me.

"You shouldn't have distracted me."

**A/N: hehe okay I also got two more good ideas for Edward hehehe…**

**BTW, when my sister and I went to Hawaii...I spent and hour and 45 minutes trying to get on a hammock. I finally succeeded.....and then I fell off. My sister was in hysterics.**


	12. I'm back

Hey Fanfiction…..I'm back. I know it's been a year since I've written but you wouldn't believe what I've been through. I'm going to start writing everything again…but first, I owe it to myself, and you guys to write this one story and finish it before I continue any of my other stories. If you have ever liked any of my stories, please I beg you show me the respect to read this story. It's about me and what I've been through. It would mean the world to me.

Please Don't Hurt Me by: Jennifer Lynn Henderson. "Jen"

I was gonna start this off "I never meant to fall in love", but really, the truth is I meant to, but never thought I actually would.

And no, I don't mean the middle school teeny bopper "OHHH I LOOOVEE YOUUU" boyfriend girlfriend love, I mean the serious commitment, the bond of being in love. Something none of the books, none of the movies or plays or shows or stories have ever done justice.

Fuck I've doused myself up with drugs, hurt myself over and over, physically abused myself and other people… I've tried everything I can to forget this love. This love is so strong it shakes me, it tortures me, it won't ever let me forget, no matter how hard I try or what I do. This is a type of love you won't find everywhere, something that will never leave you. It was the best thing of my life to feel it. Now it's become the worst thing I'm trying to forget. It haunts me. Because of this I will never be the same, never walk through the world with the same head on my shoulders, I will never have hope of finding another.

This is my fucking story…what I've been through this past year, and what I'm trying to face to this day. It may not end well.


End file.
